Why I am giving blogging another chance
So a few of you may have noticed I’ve been silent for a while now.
And in the spirit of vulnerability and risk, allow me to elaborate.
Have you ever given up on yourself a little bit? Yeah, that happened to me this year.
I let go of some dreams, I’ve dealt with [ more than a few ] disappointments, I’ve struggled with my vision for this blog, had good days and bad…and now I’m ready to talk. I’m ready to give blogging another chance.
Transformation is painful.
The past year of my life has been the most transformative and challenging I’ve ever experienced. Last September, I left my cozy home in Southern California for the best adventure: living six months in Spain. I was attending the most wonderful school I’ve ever been to, the G42 Leadership Academy, and living in deep community alongside 25 people that became family, overnight. The experience was more than I could have dreamed up. It was exhausting, and painful and beautiful and so, so much fun. I arrived ready to work, convinced that this time I had carved out in my life would help me launch my career as a travel journalist. In America, I felt like there was never enough…and I was never enough. Never enough space to be me, never enough energy to create, never enough time to focus, never enough freedom to dream. Have you ever felt that way? Too busy to dream?
Like the Lord works, I was not stepping into what I expected. My life blossomed, but my work suffered even more. The wifi was painfully slow; it was taking a week to put out a blog post I would normally do in hours. A week of valuable time in the present I was sacrificing to focus on the future. My “brilliant” plan wasn’t working. And I was embarrassed to tell you. I was embarrassed to just stop blogging…even though it doesn’t really matter, it felt like a tiny failure. But it also felt like the right decision. God was tugging at me to spend more time with Him, to put down the work and enjoy my village and my people. To stop stressing about followers and numbers and opinions and disappointments and just enjoy life in the moment. I needed to sacrifice what I wanted to receive what He wanted for me.
From empty validation to hopeful expectation.
It was scary, but as soon as I stopping working, a weight lifted. I realized I had been carrying a huge burden, that blogging had become a chore, that I wasn’t having fun, that it was making me lonely and, worst of all, self-obsessed. My intentions for this blog were pure, but my expectation had become way too destructive…I was placing my hope in empty, online validation. All of the pressure was on myself to “make it happen” and I stopped listening to God’s voice. When I gave up my idea of success, I found gifts waiting on the sidelines. I found peace.
A few months later, the most difficult transition of my life began. I moved back and it felt like going backwards in time. I came home different and I wasn’t interested in going backwards. This blog didn’t feel like me anymore. I looked at it, and all I saw was fake. Fake happiness, fake ambition, a fake portrayal of my lifestyle. I struggled to recommit and find the voice of my original vision. I struggled to find belonging in the very thing I created. I felt guilty and sad…and I gave up a bit. It’s taken everything I have to regain my confidence and my courage, to remember what I know to be true about God and to push forward.
Slowly [ and painfully so ], I’ve begun to feel like I’m getting my inspiration back. I’m finding new confidence in my artist-self, a person who was created to create. I’ve been creating alone in my room, safely away from the eyes of critics. No pressure, no expectations, no risk. But I’ve been noticing that my life without risk in it looks a lot like my life without fun in it.
Living what I preach.
So here I am, siding with courage and deciding to take the risk. To celebrate the mistakes. I’ve got to live what I am preaching: explore, discover, celebrate! And it’s not that I don’t care about your opinions, but I am doing this for me. Because I learned something very, very important in Spain, something that has stuck with me deeply. It’s that I have something to say. We all do. And when you have something to say, you need to say it. God is the Word, and we are His voice. That’s what makes us so important. That we are His hands and feet and mouths and hearts and minds. Wonderful things happen when we choose to speak. My fear made me silent…and then my silence made me fearful. Listen to me, don’t do that to yourself! Women, let’s stop lacking confidence in our voices and our opinions. There is plenty of room in the world for your voice, because you know what there is never too much of? Goodness! Let me say it again, there is never too much goodness.
The end result of this revelation? I’m going to create and I’m going to speak. And I won’t apologize for it any more. I don’t know what it looks like yet, but I’m going to have fun. I’m not worried about followers, I’m not worried about the dream career, the insta-famous lifestyle I foolishly cared about once. I’m focused on God and me and YOU. God is speaking and I am sharing. I hope you’re listening.